Vetting in the Lifestyle: Not Everybody Is Meant for Every Room

Dom Chase | Planet Swirl

Everybody has an opinion about vetting in the swinger lifestyle until they're the one responsible when something goes wrong.

Some people think vetting means checking a profile. Some think it means asking who somebody knows. Others think that because they've been in the lifestyle for twenty years, they should automatically be welcomed anywhere they want to go.

I look at it a little differently.

I've been hosting lifestyle events since 2017, and one thing I've learned is that throwing a party and cultivating a community are two completely different things. Anybody can rent a venue, hire a DJ, make a flyer, and sell tickets. But what happens when somebody gets out of line? When two people have a disagreement? When somebody you've known for years suddenly becomes the problem?

Who's responsible then?

That's where vetting becomes a whole different conversation.

First, Let Me Make Something Clear

Everything I'm about to say is based on my experiences, my perspective, and how I operate Planet Swirl. This isn't the lifestyle rulebook. What works for me might not work for another organizer, and what works for somebody else might not work for Planet Swirl.

And I damn sure don't get everything right. I've approved people who turned out to be problems. I've questioned people who turned out to be great additions to the community. I've made decisions I had to reconsider.

That's why I have systems in place. Without rules, boundaries, and accountability, what do you have? The Wild Wild West. And I'm not interested in running the Wild Wild West.

I've spent nearly ten years building relationships, learning from mistakes, and cultivating a culture around Planet Swirl. It didn't happen overnight, and it damn sure didn't happen because I opened the doors and let anybody with a few dollars walk through them. It's still a work in progress today.

Vetting Is an Opinion. Let's Start There.

Here's something that might surprise people. I believe vetting is ultimately an opinion. It's a judgment made by whoever is responsible for the environment.

There is no universal vetting system that every organizer follows, and there's no magical checklist that guarantees somebody will behave appropriately. You can have your standards, I can have mine, and another organizer can have something completely different. That's fine.

But at some point the buck has to stop with somebody. At Planet Swirl, that somebody is me. If something goes wrong, people aren't calling the person who designed the flyer. They're calling me. So if I'm responsible for the experience, I'm going to make decisions about who participates in it. That doesn't mean those decisions are perfect or beyond criticism. It means I have to be willing to stand behind them, explain them when appropriate, and correct them when I get something wrong.

What Vetting Actually Looks Like at Planet Swirl

When somebody registers for a Planet Swirl event, we collect their name, email address, phone number, how long they've been in the lifestyle, who referred them, and how they heard about us. When they arrive, their identification has to match the name they registered under. We don't use screen names as a substitute for real identification.

Why? Accountability. I want a paper trail. I want to know who is attending an event I'm responsible for. And I generally want people who understand that their actions have consequences. I sometimes describe that as wanting people who have something to lose.

Now, don't twist that into something it isn't. Having a good job, money, or social status doesn't automatically make somebody trustworthy, and not having those things doesn't make somebody a problem. I'm talking about accountability. People who understand that what they do can affect their reputation, their relationships, and their place in a community may think twice before doing something stupid.

But even that isn't guaranteed. You can vet somebody. You can know them personally. They can be your best friend. And then they get drunk and turn into a complete asshole.

Congratulations. You vetted them. Now what?

That's why vetting doesn't end when somebody gets approved.

A Ticket Doesn't Mean You're Entitled to the Experience

I've turned away people who were perfectly willing to pay. Abso-fucking-lutely. Sometimes it's how somebody approaches me. Sometimes they're pushy, overly eager, disrespectful, or they just give off a feeling that something isn't right. Sometimes it's how they carry themselves, how they communicate, or whether they seem to understand basic social boundaries and personal hygiene.

Those observations aren't proof somebody is a bad person. They're things I consider when deciding whether somebody fits the environment I'm trying to create. And sometimes my first impression is wrong.

But I'm not obligated to sell everybody a ticket just because they want one. Planet Swirl is an experience, and the people attending are part of what creates it. You can have the nicest hotel, the best decorations, perfect lighting, and a great DJ. If the people in the room don't respect the environment, none of that matters. That's what I'm protecting.

Everybody Should Get an Opportunity. That Doesn't Mean Everybody Deserves One.

I believe people should have opportunities to explore the lifestyle and find communities where they feel comfortable. But there's a difference between getting an opportunity and deserving access. Deserving means you're entitled to it, and you're not automatically owed a place at somebody else's private event.

Think about buying a car. Everybody might want a Mercedes, but not everybody qualifies for one. Maybe you qualify for a Hyundai, a Kia, or a used car. That doesn't make you less of a person. Different things have different requirements, and lifestyle events are no different.

That said, I don't need everybody at Planet Swirl to look alike, think alike, or have the same personality. That would be boring as hell. I'm a Jordan guy. Jordan 4s are my favorite, but Jordan 11s fit me differently. There are forty different models and forty different colorways. They're not identical, but they're still Jordans. That's how I look at people in a community, and it's the same idea behind different people, different rooms. There's no perfect Planet Swirl guest. There are people who respect the expectations and contribute positively to the room, and that's what matters to me.

Vetting Can Absolutely Be Abused

Some organizers use vetting for reasons that have little to do with protecting their community. Some do it for validation. Some do it for money. Some do it because hosting gives them attention or access to people they're attracted to. Some use it to play favorites, reward their friends, or exclude people they personally dislike. And some people probably shouldn't be organizing events in the first place. That's my opinion.

There's a very fine line between being selective and being elitist, and the difference often depends on who's telling the story. Somebody who isn't approved may see an organizer as elitist. Somebody who is approved may see that same organizer as maintaining standards. Perspective alone doesn't settle whether a decision was fair, so I try to look at the actual circumstances instead of who likes whom.

Your Personal Beef Isn't Automatically My Problem

Here's an example. Somebody I was very close to told me they didn't want another person attending one of my events. They basically gave me an ultimatum. If you let that person come, I'm not coming.

My answer was, well, I guess I'll see you some other time then. And I meant it.

I'm not going to let somebody weaponize my authority because they have a personal issue with another person. If somebody has been threatening people, harassing them, violating boundaries, or creating real safety concerns, that's different. I don't need a court order or a restraining order to take credible concerns seriously. But somebody being upset with another person doesn't mean that person gets banned from Planet Swirl.

I have to evaluate the situation. What happened? Who was involved? Is there evidence? Is there an ongoing concern? How might this affect the event? Because if I start making decisions based on whoever I'm closest to, I'm no longer vetting. I'm playing favorites. And once people realize your rules change depending on who somebody knows, you've got a credibility problem.

That friend and I aren't friends anymore because of it. I'd rather lose a friendship than let somebody use my authority to settle a personal beef. That's the cost of having a standard.

What Happens When Somebody Gets Through Vetting and Acts a Fool?

This is where the real work begins. Not every incident deserves the same response. Sometimes somebody needs a conversation. Maybe they misunderstood something, or said something inappropriate and need to understand why it wasn't acceptable. Other situations are more serious, and some things can get you banned for life. There's no conversation that makes certain behavior acceptable.

And here's something else I've learned. History is only told by the person being asked. If you only hear one person's version, you're getting their history of what happened. That doesn't automatically mean they're lying. It means you're hearing what they experienced and how they interpreted it. So when it's appropriate and safe, I try to hear from everyone involved. Sometimes I even ask somebody outside the situation for their perspective, not because I don't trust the people involved, but because I want to make the most informed decision I can. If someone is at risk, protecting people comes first and that doesn't wait.

I also have trusted people around me whose observations carry weight. They have my ear. They might notice something I didn't see. Ultimately, though, the responsibility for my decisions stays with me.

And when something serious happens, I may share appropriately verified, relevant information with other organizers so they can make their own informed decisions. Not gossip. Not rumors. Not somebody's personal business for entertainment. Facts, handled responsibly, with people's privacy and safety in mind. Accountability should never become an excuse for a smear campaign.

And What Happens When I Get It Wrong?

I admit it. It's really that simple.

If I had to put a number on it, I'd say I've gotten it wrong maybe 2% of the time. That's not an official statistic. That's my personal assessment after years of doing this. But even 2% matters when you're dealing with real people.

If I make a decision and later realize I was wrong, I can have a conversation with that person. I can acknowledge the mistake and ask what we need to do to move forward. And when I decide somebody isn't a fit, I try to let them know why. Sometimes they understand. Sometimes they think I'm an asshole. Either way, I'd rather be clear than leave somebody guessing. I don't have to pretend I'm always right just because I'm the person in charge.

When somebody gets through the process and creates a problem, I look at where the holes were. What did we miss? Do we need another checkpoint, better communication, more trusted eyes, or a clearer procedure? That's what I mean by systems and redundancies. The goal isn't to create the illusion that nothing bad can ever happen. It's to reduce preventable problems, spot them sooner, and respond appropriately when they do happen.

Vetting isn't a crystal ball. It's a process.

The Best Vetting Starts Before Somebody Registers

Another thing that doesn't impress me is name-dropping. I know so-and-so. Everybody knows me. I've been in the lifestyle for twenty years. Okay. And? Knowing somebody's name doesn't mean you know their character, and being around for twenty years doesn't mean you've learned how to respect people.

If someone I genuinely trust recommends somebody, that carries weight, because I know that person's judgment and I know they value the relationship we've built. But even then, a referral isn't an automatic pass. It's information, and information helps me make a decision.

Over time I've tried to build an environment where people understand what Planet Swirl represents before they ever buy a ticket. Respect, consent, discretion, accountability, and community. Not everybody is going to be interested in that, and that's good. I'd rather people who have no interest in respecting that culture realize Planet Swirl isn't the place for them. It's not foolproof, because people can say all the right things and still behave badly. But when expectations are clear and consistently reinforced, they become part of how people decide whether to participate. That's vetting that doesn't begin with an application. It begins with the culture, and it's part of how somebody moves in someone else's space.

You Can Copy an Event. You Can't Copy the Person Behind It.

I've watched people borrow ideas, concepts, and event formats over the years. Sometimes they give credit and sometimes they don't. That's life. You can copy decorations, themes, and the way something looks on a flyer.

What you can't copy is me. You can't copy the experiences I've had, the mistakes I've made, the conversations I've had behind the scenes, or the relationships I've built. You can't copy how I process information, weigh different perspectives, and make decisions, or the internal system I've developed over nearly ten years of dealing with people. I'm not saying nobody else can create a great experience. Plenty of people can. I'm saying there's a difference between recreating what somebody does and understanding why they do it.

It's like eating cereal without milk. It's still cereal, but something's missing.

The Standard Is Still a Work in Progress

I don't have a perfect vetting system, and nobody does. I have a system built from experience, judgment, relationships, rules, and lessons learned. Sometimes I get it right. Sometimes I get it wrong. And sometimes the hardest part is making a decision somebody I care about isn't going to like. But I can't build a community around everybody getting their way. That would be chaos.

The goal was never a perfect room filled with perfect people. It's an environment where different people can come together, respect each other, and have a great experience without somebody else's behavior destroying it. That's what vetting means to me.

You might do it differently. You might disagree with some of my decisions. That's fine. But when you're the person responsible for the room, you have to decide what you're willing to allow inside it, and what you're willing to do when something goes wrong.

Because you're not just responsible for getting people through the door. You're responsible for the experience you promised them once they're inside.

Planet Swirl is built for people who want a room where respect, consent, and accountability are real. If that sounds like you, see what's coming at PlanetSwirl.com.

Stay real. Stay grounded. Stay swirlin'.

Dom Chase | Planet Swirl

Frequently Asked Questions

What does vetting mean in the swinger lifestyle?

Vetting is how an organizer decides whether somebody meets the requirements to attend an event. Some check profiles, some rely on referrals, and some use detailed registration. At Planet Swirl we collect registration information and verify ID at check-in. But the paperwork is only part of it. I'm also paying attention to how people communicate, whether they understand boundaries, and whether they respect the environment we're building.

How does Planet Swirl vet guests?

We collect names, email addresses, phone numbers, lifestyle experience, referral information, and how people heard about us. At check-in, ID has to match the registration. I also consider past interactions, credible referrals, and conduct. None of that guarantees somebody won't cause a problem. Vetting is one part of a larger system of accountability.

Can you be denied entry to a lifestyle event?

Yes. Being willing to pay doesn't mean you're entitled to attend. Private events can set lawful participation requirements, and organizers should enforce them fairly. I've turned away people who were ready to buy tickets because I didn't think they fit the environment. When I do, I try to explain why. Sometimes people understand and sometimes they don't, but I won't compromise the experience for one more sale.

Can someone be removed after passing vetting?

Yes. Approval isn't lifetime immunity. Depending on what happens, someone may get a conversation, a warning, removal from an event, or a permanent ban. I don't treat every mistake the same way, but some behavior isn't acceptable no matter how long I've known somebody.

Does a referral guarantee approval?

No. Neither does telling me you've been in the lifestyle for twenty years or that everybody knows you. A recommendation from somebody I trust carries weight because I know their judgment. But it's information, not a free pass. I'm still responsible for deciding whether that person fits Planet Swirl.